Marriage. Marriage? Marriage!

[CaliforniaAfrican]

It seems like there are more and more married AP's lately. I think that we have a special and unique perspective on relationships. Many AfroPunks who aren't married, could care less about ever wanting to marry. Then there are some out there who think they may want a spouse one day.

Married AP's let's here from you. Grown people talk.

Why marriage? Is the internet messing shit up at home?
How do you keep it together? Does your spouse even like your AP friends?
Is the sex still good? What example of married life did you have?
Sometimes, do you just want your spouse to go away? If you had to do it all over again, would you?

[CaliforniaAfrican]

Okay, I'll start.

Last night, I made love to my husband. It was so good, I thought I was going to just melt right off the bed. I can't believe that the love making has gotten better and better and better over the years. I think being able to trust, because of all the years we've been together, has completing taken away all my inhibitions. You know? I tried some stuff this year that I would never have done as a young wife in my 20's. I thought that marriage would slow the sex down, but it hasn't. I just love to hear my husband call me his wife while we're making love. That feels so good. Marriage. Sex. It happens. It happens big.

[CaliforniaAfrican]

I find myslef thinking about my husband's well-being. Tonite, he stood by the window and looked out. I thought to myself, "Is he doing okay?" I wonder is that what married people do? Do we constantly think about our spouse's emotional well-being? Maybe it's more of my own character. I'm NOT my husband's mother. But his emotional state of mind is important to me. So, we sat on the couch and we talked. I asked him if he thinks about MY well-being. "Of course," he said. If we didn't, would we have a healthy marriage? As we sat and talked, we started acting silly. We wound up laughing. Before I came upstairs, I told my husband that I loved him. He's doing fine. And so am I.

[Mlle d. Sade]

Where are all the other married folk?

[Rage_Proletaire]

… We were friends for at least three years before our relationship evolved. Saw her as more like a big sister for a short time, and then (I suppose) as a fellow libertine; in any case, even with clear distinctions, you can’t always keep your feelings from crossing into the grey area.

About two years passed, and then marriage came up. We originally had no plans to marry at any time. That changed, obviously; she proposed, and I figured we’d been married all the time before without the legal sanctioning, so it made sense to me. We were already “shacking up” and pooling resources, so …

Umm, internet’s not messing anything up for us that I can tell. We’re fairly hermetic people, so hobbies, time-killers, and other things that don’t allow space for two – so to speak – aren’t really a big deal. I can be satisfied left to my own devices, and so can she (the day we first met, as friends, she said her ideal marriage would take place inside a large space that could be cut off into wings; come and go as you please, sort of).

How we keep it together: I don’t know. Turbulent days have taught me a lot about myself, and you can never really complete a picture of the person you share things with, until you see them angry. Momentum’s a big deal. I feel like I’m constantly relearning how to keep conscious and aware at all times, and learning to perfect my style of communication (or at least continue to make it more suited for my SO).

I don’t have anyone tagged under “Friends” or anything; not that I’ve no plans to, but … haven’t gotten around to it. We do, however, discuss message board strings over coffee and etc.

(Skipping a question for now, because I’m on my work computer).

Examples of marriage… My grandparents were married. Seemed like an archaic arrangement; we nicknamed my grandfather him “The Gigolo” after my grandmother died of cancer. Other than that, marriage wasn’t regarded as ideal or even necessary (I can’t speak for my biological sister, only myself). One of my uncles used to make his wife cook his breakfast wearing make-up (he thought it wasn’t proper if she didn’t), and dogged her about her weight. He and another uncle used to ask me about girlfriends and such when was young; didn’t understand why I was being pressured to want or need someone else if women were supposedly so hard to get along with. Had a childhood friend whose parents I liked; they always seemed very comfortable speaking to one another.

When I’m angry, yes I do want her to go away. I usually make myself scarce, mentally.

Would do it again, at least with the same person. I feel very lucky.

[jahluv]

I was gonna pass on this, but here goes...

Why marriage? Is the internet messing shit up at home?
I was cool with the live together thing, and we did it for awhile. My wife wasn't though - being an immigrant, she wanted the piece of paper for security. She also wanted kids in the future and wasn't willing to have them without the paper. I agreed with her on that point and we trooped down the the Culver City courthouse and did it. Marriage is often described as an archaic institution, but most people have unrealistic expectations of it.

I'd tell any man or woman who is thinking about marriage - take a look at your spouse to be and their family life. If they come from a dysfunctional situation, the chances of them functioning well in a marriage is doubtful.

No internet problems lately - but there were some AP conflicts in the past...

How do you keep it together? Does your spouse even like your AP friends?
Having a child makes me see the bigger picture. Just packing up and jetting isn't as easy an option. AP friends, see above...

Is the sex still good? What example of married life did you have?
I'll take the 5th on the sex question, not comfortable about putting my married sex life out in the 'net.

The best marriage examples I had as a kid were my friend Katie's parents - her dad worked two jobs so her mom could stay at home with the kids. My aunt and uncle who showed me how stuff doesn't have to be perfect to work and work well - they defined their roles, respected each other's shortcomings, and had a great sense of humor about each other. Finally, a gay couple my grandmother worked for back in the 70's - they were out and living their life way back then and made it seem pretty uneventful.

Sometimes, do you just want your spouse to go away? If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Go away... no. When I need some "me" time I try and take it, and try and afford her the same space. I don't know how couples do it who are constantly up under each other. My wife and I have taken vacations together and apart, we do things as a family and alone. You have to to retain some sense of self.

Would I do it all over again? I've told myself that if I ever get divorced, there will be no 2nd marriage. One of my uncles has been married 7 times - all different looking women from various racial and ethnic groups - but exactly the same personality wise. I don't want to be that guy... I would have done pre-marriage counseling with a good shrink if I had it to do all over again. I would suggest it to anyone who is thinking about jumping the broom.

[CaliforniaAfrican]

Rage and JahLuv, thank you for words, brothas. I appreciate your honesty, both of you. I started the thread as a forum to just talk about marriage. I put up some questions that came to me at the time. I think I was selfish to start the thread. I AM very happy in my marriage, but I still learn so much from reading about others' married lives.

Yesterday, I came home feeling so defeated by the people I have to work with. I could feel physical pain in my chest from the words my superior uttered about some of our students. African American students, of course. I wanted my husband to understand my feelings and to agree with me. I got frustrated when he didn't react in a manner that I wanted. So I walked away from him. Later on in the evening, when the children were in bed, I asked Omar to just hold me. We sat on the couch all snuggled up and he played in my hair. I cried, thinking about my day. He was so loving to me. I got just what I needed. It was perfect. I woke up this morning, ready to go back to my job and face all the obstacles that are designed to bring us down. If I didn't have that love at home, I don't know how I could survive this pervasive, systemic racist school system that I face every damn fucking day. *breathing* I had to ASK for what I needed from my husband. Asking didn't make it any less loving.

[Compound Egret]

Married peeps,
What are some things you would put on the marriage "FAQ" as stuff single people MUST know going in?

[Rage_Proletaire]

For starters ...

Reciprocity needs to be at the root of everything. Can't rightfully complain about not getting something if you're giving it (well), either.

You don't have the solution to every problem. Sometimes, all that's required is that you listen to your other, rather than jump the gun trying to "save the day."

The big things aren't always what causes civil wars. From my experience, it's the little stuff that slowly mounts. Learn to listen effectively, learn to speak effectively, if you don't already know how.

Two wholes are better than two halves. Echoing what someone said on some earlier string, a healthy marriage involves folk not trying to "complete" themselves through someone else.

If you don't know how to share, learn to. Or buy two of everything.

May have to come back to this later; I'm on some smoke-and-mirrors ish today.

Compound Egret said:

Married peeps,
What are some things you would put on the marriage "FAQ" as stuff single people MUST know going in?

[Darkness Unlimited*]

I could care less about WESTERN-style maariage, atleast.

[CaliforniaAfrican]

I've been thinking about this question for some time now. Even though it's been 14 years for us, I don't consider myself an expert. But, since Damos just gave his unsolicited thoughts, I feel like I need to bring my thread BACK to it's intended purposes.

Don't go into a marriage believing you can change your spouse. Yes, all people evolve and grow. But as a spouse it is not your responsibility to change your wife/husband into the type of person you want them to be. As my mother used to say to me when I was younger, "Beya, you married that man. You knew who he was when you took that vow." My mother-in-law, to this day, believes that I "will shape and mold" her grown ass son. She told me this before we got married. "Beya, you can shape him into a strong man." Can you believe that? She had a lot of confidence in her son, NOT. Take your spouse for who he/she is. Appreciate and celebrate all that he/she is.

Love yourself and don't look for your spouse to make you happy. Love and marriage can help center a person if one's spouse is giving. I've learned that one must have their own emotional and spiritual balance, as an individual. Don't get caught up in being someone's wife or husband and not yourself. Love who you are. Enjoy your life without your spouse. One can become consumed with being a couple. You are always an individual first.

Compound Egret said:

Married peeps,
What are some things you would put on the marriage "FAQ" as stuff single people MUST know going in?

[Golem_3]

wow, only like..... 2 APs that are married replied.

I'm married.
Let me first note that the biggest issue most people (especially here) have is that: "it wont work because I've never seen good examples"/ or "nobody will be compatible with me".
Those are 2 of the most biggest WASTES of time.
NOBODY will be exactly like you. You will NEVER find your equal.
Now, with that being said- as daring as most young folks say they are, they sure are allowing themselves to be easily discouraged from marriage.
Its what you make it.
Point blank.

Me & my wife are still learning about each other. Why? Because people change.
We've come to a great level of communication and compromise.
The sex?
Crazy.
Does she like my AP friends?
She doesn't care either way.
How do we keep it together?
Refreshing things up all thing time.
Everyday is a new one.

[CaliforniaAfrican]

Sometimes I wonder to what extent marriage keeps people in a state of ownership. I was talking with my husband about this last night. The body that I have is mine. He gets that. For so many women and men, married or not, they see their significant other's body as being owned by them. I have been intimate with many men, before marriage. Since I've been married, I have had sex with only my husband. Part of my conversation last night was, "I have the right to have sex with anyone I choose. This is my body, not yours." My husband looked at me like I had lost my mind. He said nothing. Then I said, "I choose to make love to you. Only you. That is my choice." He smiled and said that he has made the same choice. Then we got naked. I've been smiling all day.

To love someone and to have it reciprocated is truly a privilege. There are so many ways in which to fuck it up: infidelity, physical abuse, mental abuse, ... Sometimes I have to remind myself what I actually DO have. *still smiling* What the hell was I thinking?!!