I have a confession to make

[Ashlie]

ok well I haven't really posted anything here for a bit
not sure if this is the right place
but anyway
I was in a relationship in the past that was really abusive and I have taken so much abuse in my life in general for just being myself
I have lost a lot of my self esteem and self confidence
I am slowly gaining it back and getting to know myself a bit more
Anyway I stopped dressing "Punk" & going to gigs because I have had some negative feedback based on race
its not new to me but i just feel like I am really sensitive now and I cant handle all the comments and attention anymore
I have been attacked and had a lot of verbally abusive words thrown at me from family and people i thought were friends
I want to go back to just being me but I don't really have the same inner calm or confidence i used to have
i just want some advice and feedback on what i should do about this
i am a bit confused also in general
it sucks that i accept and love everyone but people don't do the same

[kifaru]

Hang in there. Things will get better.

[Ghettopunkrocker]

Welcome to the fold.

[Mlle d. Sade]

Wow, none of that is really advice. I think what Ashlie is saying goes beyond being "in the fold" or old posters of an lolcat that say "hang in there baby". I expect more from this web community. A bit more than that should be said. I'm finally understanding Lesypersound's aversion to people popping in and going "that's terrible" and then popping out.

[Ashlie] I'm so sorry to hear that you've been shoved, one way or another, into being ashamed of yourself. This form of abuse dehumanizes in one of the worst ways because it is everywhere. People are always trying to rip a part of you out/to pieces when you don't do what they want you to.

Sometimes sensitivity reaches a peak after traumatic events (trauma in the mind when it comes to "who am I?" also counts) and it's important to listen to yourself. If you can't handle something right at this moment, don't do it. If it's too much, hold back.
That's not saying that you should remain scared to make a move all your life but wait until the sensitivity gets less because it will never completely disappear.

I'm not the best person to speak on this because when I am abused I tend to lash out rather than shrink up but I also tend to isolate. Whatever you do, don't isolate yourself.

It's kind of like "social terrorism" and you have to put some defenses up.

What makes you happy/what do you enjoy doing?
What is the one thing you like about yourself?

I'm not being random, simple questions like these helped me get back to normal after some social terrorism really throws me into a void.
You have to start slow and it takes a lot of time.

But don't let anyone try to take away your identity. It goes beyond what you wear or what you listen to because you do those things for a reason. Why?

Where's my gal pal/business partner when I need her?

[Jenny Taelya]

I did the same exact thing you're doing. Sometime it takes a blank slate and a new start to find out who you really are.
It's easy to get yourself lost in a genre or a group bc of how comforting they can be, especially if you're young and being abused.
The shitty party is when that group draws the line between "them" and "you", nothing instigates self-discovery than being singled out :P
The confidence and calmness that you are looking for comes with learning about who you are, how you'd really react to situations, etc. (just like mlle said).
I remember being at a place like this a few years ago, i barely had a personality.
Maybe it isn't so wise to accept and love everyone just yet, especially if all they are meeting you with is bullshit and harm.
As long as you question yourself and make sure that your intentions are really your own, it'll get easier with time.

[D'strutxon]

Don't let assholes change you.I wish I had something more profound to say,but I tend to result to violence. Some people say things to make you feel bad,so they can feel better about themselfs.

[Re:Dwayne..]

I have had that experienced to a certain extent. Why bother with people who would say and do those things to you? You are feeling the results. They are not asking you who are and accepting it unconditionally. They are living their lives according to what somebody else says and judge you accordingly. Don't listen to that shit because it won't work for you. Listen to yourself first.

[Mlle d. Sade]

Ditto on that barely having a personality thing- I've been there. Don't let other people turn you into an empty, lifeless vessel with their abuse. Just because they mistake you for a weakness doesn't mean you are.

Don't worry about other people, they can't go with you.

Jenny Taelya said:

I did the same exact thing you're doing. Sometime it takes a blank slate and a new start to find out who you really are.
It's easy to get yourself lost in a genre or a group bc of how comforting they can be, especially if you're young and being abused. The shitty party is when that group draws the line between "them" and "you", nothing instigates self-discovery than being singled out :P The confidence and calmness that you are looking for comes with learning about who you are, how you'd really react to situations, etc. (just like mlle said). I remember being at a place like this a few years ago, i barely had a personality.
Maybe it isn't so wise to accept and love everyone just yet, especially if all they are meeting you with is bullshit and harm.
As long as you question yourself and make sure that your intentions are really your own, it'll get easier with time.

[Obsidian]

Ah empty lifeless vesselness. Giving in to that peer pressure not to be yourself may feel comforting that is until you actually start being yourself again and taking the bruises. Look, people are insane. See how easily they love you when you fit into their current beliefs on what is acceptable. Watch in amazement as those very same people will exclude you and beat you raw if you choose to not fit in with their view on you in their reality. Better to be beaten raw, spit out the blood and continue walking with your head tall. Perhaps you will be alone at first but that's okay - better alone and alive than with others who want you dead.

Will you dare to be alone, isolated, beaten but in the happiest most pleasureful state in your life? That's what being yourself means and it is totally worth it.

True, right now in your life you are vulnerable - you don't feel you have the strength to take such a beating. How are you to ever heal? It's like putting yourself on a respirator when you have perfectly functional lungs. You are stronger than you think you may be.

[Rage_Proletaire]

"it sucks that i accept and love everyone but people don't do the same ."

I've learned that since you can't force them to (and for that matter, you can't change anything about anybody, at least not fairly), only thing you can change is yourself. Your attitudes, your reactions, your overall well-being. You'd have to be a rock to keep outside influences from doing what they do, but it gets a little easier when that inner calm/confidence does return. You can go back to it -- I think it's possible, but I'd look at it more like going forward. You pack the things you need, leave the chaff behind, and keep moving.

Somtimes you let people drift down the river like flotsam and jetsam; you may not need everyone you know (I took great pleasure in my own purging period -- it was like losing weight in order to move again).

I can empathize with being cowed into suppressing your appearance (your inner agent, as you see yourself). My wardrobe's been overttaken by Van Heusen and Banana Republic (partly out of necessity for my job, and partly because I've been threatened with violence before for not dressing according to the standards of some random stranger (both men and women who've been passionately indignant about my lack of regard for their sensibilities), even though they'll trample on your toes.

I'd recommend an incubation period.

My apologies if I'm coming off sort-of heavy-handed. God knows I haven't got it figured out. But you'll be neither the first nor the last, and there's life after the one coming to a close (figuratively speaking) -- you just have to craft it.

"We are 138" =)

[Ashlie]

Thanks everyone for the replies really helpful

[Mlle d. Sade]

Ashlie said:

Thanks everyone for the replies really helpful

You're welcome! ^__^