Straight black women in the GAY community.

[lyfenlyn]

I have been thinking quite a bit about this lately. When I was in high school, I didn't know it then, but I was the beard for a few of the gay boys in school. One gorgeous black boy that transferred in that I immediately set my sights for confided in me that he was gay and he needed me to cover for him. I didn't think anything of it and relished the idea of walking around school holding hands and getting pecks from him before I went to class.

Fast forward into Adulthood and with being a creative and well dressed person, being black automatically gave you ‘diva’ status in the club scene. I’d find myself around the funniest most creative wild bunch of kids, but 90% of the cuties would be gay. Over the years my deepest bonds would be with gay men, and to this day my family is my brethren.

HOWEVER, there is a part of me that feels like I don’t know how to live ‘straight’ girl life, because I find it a little demeaning, sexist and patriarchal. Whenever I’d be around straight men I’d find myself sometimes literally fighting them off. My boyfriends were more like overgrown children than men. With gay men I could relax and get affection without it turning into something sexual. I could be a sexual being, wear sexy outfits without being a target. I got to express myself to the fullest with no recourse. Well, none rather than falling into the stereotype anyway.

I got to a point in my life when I felt I needed distance from ‘gay’ life. I’m not gay, though I have been accused of having lesbian politics. One girl informed me ‘politically you are a lesbian.’ Oh ok, I think? Anyhoo. When I moved I made it a conscious effort to not go back to the gay clubs and scene, and I am bored senseless. I started to wonder if I had spent less time hanging where I didn’t technically belong, if I would have had more romantic adult relationships with men? Marriage and kids isn't my objective in life, however having a life partner would be ideal. I just didn’t want to spend the rest of my life as this a-sexual cartoon for gay men to scream 'guuurrrllfriend' to from time to time. A side note to their lives as opposed to say a central point in a straight relationship.

Has anyone else had this struggle?

[AuntKeke]

I feel your pain

[Kaos Blac]

Why don't you just find a Bi-guy. I have a friend who has a...well he got her pregnant, twice but i've seen his tong and I wouldn't question if he wasn't gay but he got her knocked up twice and their so happy together. Just find a place in between to make yourself comfortable.

[Princess Jasmine]

I can relate only i;m still in highschool

[lyfenlyn]

Kaos Blac said:

Why don't you just find a Bi-guy. I have a friend who has a...well he got her pregnant, twice but i've seen his tong and I wouldn't question if he wasn't gay but he got her knocked up twice and their so happy together. Just find a place in between to make yourself comfortable.

I don't mind bi-guys, but getting them to admit to it is a whole other thread.

[lyfenlyn]

Dwayne said:

Stuff like this is why I think that many straight guys need to do better jobs at being cool(good friends) with women. How can a guy loose out? You could never tell a particular woman that you like her but she likes hanging with you because you don't make unwanted passes at her. I speak from experience because I have a long history of being good friends with women and still have other women who are more than just friends. I've gone to clubs and other functions with two or more women and I was looked like the player of the year. If women can appreciate having me around,the sky is the limit. They will let you know over time if they want something more. In the meantime,enjoy their company.

Moe guys need to be like you D.

[ibrother]

Come back to the rebar in Seattle for Cherry I'm sure you can find what you're looking for.

[LesYpersound]

I can relate...

that girl who said you're politically a lesbian would prolly say the same of me... and it really dictates the kind of guys i'm into. the guys i've actually dated understood they weren't 100% straight to begin with and were not homophobes and had solid opinions on the subject (like "humans have the ability to think and feel abstractly and this is what supposedly separates us from other animals so why can't a diversity of sexual expressions be understood and respected in the same way?" .... :D). when i was in high school i had crushes on punk guys who genderfuck...and this isn't some whiny emo w/ eyeliner "genderfuckery"...it was intentional and political. On a less literal level the guys i usually go for are considered effeminate but not "flaming" or "metrosexual". this is my interpretation of straight living/dating... this is the kind of man i'll end up with (if i even end up w/ a man--at this point i'm open to trans[f>m]/androgyns, being alone).

i don't and can't or won't exist in that other mainstream straight dating scene where traditional gender roles rule.

being a misogynist homophobic alpha male that can only interact w/ women on a sexual level is definitely and always has been a deal breaker for relationships... (since i was a kid i understood i wasn't 100% straight/gender role dedicated so the only guys i had crushes on were comfortable w/ themselves and open minded ppl).

and really this has been a huge thing w/ black men i've met (esp the homophobia/closed mindedness). i have no idea where to meet these guys other than doing whatever it was i was doing. lol. not very descriptive, but yeah. i know they're out there... too bad they're mostly white/jewish.

[lyfenlyn]

LesYpersound said:

I can relate...

that girl who said you're politically a lesbian would prolly say the same of me... and it really dictates the kind of guys i'm into. the guys i've actually dated understood they weren't 100% straight to begin with and were not homophobes and had solid opinions on the subject (like "humans have the ability to think and feel abstractly and this is what supposedly separates us from other animals so why can't a diversity of sexual expressions be understood and respected in the same way?" .... :D). when i was in high school i had crushes on punk guys who genderfuck...and this isn't some whiny emo w/ eyeliner "genderfuckery"...it was intentional and political. On a less literal level the guys i usually go for are considered effeminate but not "flaming" or "metrosexual". this is my interpretation of straight living/dating... this is the kind of man i'll end up with (if i even end up w/ a man--at this point i'm open to trans[f>m]/androgyns, being alone).

i don't and can't or won't exist in that other mainstream straight dating scene where traditional gender roles rule.

being a misogynist homophobic alpha male that can only interact w/ women on a sexual level is definitely and always has been a deal breaker for relationships... (since i was a kid i understood i wasn't 100% straight/gender role dedicated so the only guys i had crushes on were comfortable w/ themselves and open minded ppl).

and really this has been a huge thing w/ black men i've met (esp the homophobia/closed mindedness). i have no idea where to meet these guys other than doing whatever it was i was doing. lol. not very descriptive, but yeah. i know they're out there... too bad they're mostly white/jewish.

Ditto to everything you said. Straight dating scene is a NIGHT MARE! There needs to be an afropunk dating site, where men understand that women like us don't live inside the box, and they might have to bow to us from time to time. LOL!

I've always had a thing for the artistic nerd, and ususally because they can't get a handle on their 'masculine' identity they claim gay. I know it's politically incorrect to say, but I never quite understood waivering men who claim gay but never have had sex with or a loving mutual relationship with a woman? I think men get stuck in the mirrored area as we do, and like we can't handle the straight mysog-male relationships, they can't handle the straight-be-a-man thing on their end. I agree with the abstraction of feeling as well as relationships. Too many people get caught up in this linear way of thinking. Reminds me of that song by the Godfathers..how did it go 'Born, live, school, work, die?' or something like that? Love isn't that simple connect the dots thing. I can be into you, and not be in love with you, and definately not wanting to marry you, but feel intensely about you. Over and over till I can't stand it. Passion doesn't always have to equal perminance. Struggling with that with every man you meet gets old.

[lyfenlyn]

ibrother said:

Come back to the rebar in Seattle for Cherry I'm sure you can find what you're looking for.

Isn't Cherry a lesbian night???

[Mlle d. Sade]

LesYpersound said:

i have no idea where to meet these guys other than doing whatever it was i was doing. lol. not very descriptive, but yeah. i know they're out there... too bad they're mostly white/jewish.

What have you been doing?!! I would kill for that. I've found straight dating to be a nightmare, as well- completly offensive to everything I stand for BUT I have not met any of the type of guys described by lsypersound. ...I would love too. ...because they sound too perfect to be true.

Wait. Scratch that. My first fuckbuddy was like that. ... .but yeah, I've moved on to a point where I describe my sexuality as "I am attracted to women and think it highly unlikely that I will be with a man in the future, not impossible (if the right one- I've got my eye on someone) but highly unlikely."

I consider it floating due to incompatible male mates. I've talked about it most men are sexist/homophobic in some way but the rare genderfucking gems are hard to find.
I
have no idea how to live like a "straight" girl and have no desire to find out. I will not be subjected to patriarchy if I can help it and politically, I should have a girlfriend and make organic soap.

[ibrother]

Yes it is. But you can find all types there I'm sure. I think the night I went I saw a guy with a leash around his neck with a female "owner"

I also kind of felt like Homer.

Every gay sister in Seattle was probably there that night. Dancing to some of the most ghetto rap music that was out there. To me, it kind of like a black person dancing to Rahowa.

lyfenlyn said:

ibrother said:

Come back to the rebar in Seattle for Cherry I'm sure you can find what you're looking for.

Isn't Cherry a lesbian night???

[brotherkomrade]

LesYpersound said:

I can relate...

i don't and can't or won't exist in that other mainstream straight dating scene where traditional gender roles rule.

being a misogynist homophobic alpha male that can only interact w/ women on a sexual level is definitely and always has been a deal breaker for relationships... (since i was a kid i understood i wasn't 100% straight/gender role dedicated so the only guys i had crushes on were comfortable w/ themselves and open minded ppl).

.

This is the reason why I love me some LesYpersound.

The OP has given us something honest here. Strangely, I can almost relate in that although I'm a straight, married man, I prefer hanging with LGBT people rather than straight men because I'd rather not be bored with conversations on sports, shoes, and titties. Sports are tolerated by me and I like breasts (I'm more of an face, ass, shoulders, hips, and thighs kinda guy), but my problem is the mask that other straight men have to put on around each other or around women; hence the feeling that they need to 'act' on grabbing and groping instead of talking to a woman.

As I said, great post.